All beginnings are hard. For partnerships, however, ending a relationship is the hardest part – for both of you! How to teach your future ex-partner – and end your relationship properly
The beginning of the end is usually the hardest part of a relationship. When your partner breaks up with you, it’s hard, but it’s simple: your room for maneuver tends toward zero. But if you are unhappy, you have to act and hurt the partner you may still like very much. That means you need courage and empathy. Simply running away, no longer calling, moving out dust-free, that is not the fine way. On the contrary, it takes self-control: breaking up with someone in person, being honest, not having sex with the ex, and so on. Not so sure you really want to break up yet? This checklist will help you decide.
How do you stay fair when breaking up?
“By showing the other person that you respect them through your actions,” says Munich-based organizational coach Mathias Voelchert, who advises family businesses in breakup situations. “The yardstick for this is the question: does my behavior harm either of us now or later?”
These minimum requirements should apply when breaking up:
- Be honest.
- Say it in person.
Phone, text, email or letter are inappropriate. Stand by your decision. Indifferent behavior only complicates the breakup and incites hatred. In the worst case, your belongings, reputation, or pet will suffer. It would also be unfair to treat your partner badly until he/she has no choice but to break up with you out of self-protection. Some think that they can keep a clean slate, but the responsibility remains. Others behave like a meanie in the assumption “Then it will be easier for the partner, because so he can finally hate me”. The only catch is that these people will no longer trust any other partner. Keep in mind: It will be easier for you, too, if your ex can love someone again faster.
The basic rules for breaking up depending on the length of the relationship
After one date: You have spent a few pleasant hours, but nothing more is to come of it? “Even after just one date, you should give a short feedback,” advises Ferdinand Krieg, a couples therapist from Berlin. A text message is enough: “Thank you for a lovely evening, but unfortunately it won’t work out with us.” Your date now knows where he stands – and you save yourself further calls.
After 3 days: It was just a nice weekend? If you honestly admit that now, this cut will not leave deep scars.
After 3 weeks: One date has turned into a few more. Now it’s getting serious, but not with you. Still, keep in mind: “With the other person, a certain bond may have already developed, maybe she/he has even fallen in love,” says Krieg. Say clearly that you don’t want a relationship – and why. Do without the quick rejection by text message. A phone call, or better a personal conversation, is mandatory.
After 3 months: You’ve become a couple, but when you look at it soberly, the relationship turns out to be a flop. The relationship coach: “After about 3 months, the first infatuation phase is over.” Still, the soon-to-be ex has become part of your life. She/he deserves that you end the relationship in a face-to-face conversation. Ideal: a neutral place, with enough privacy for both of you. You should be able to talk undisturbed. What doesn’t work at all: withdrawing and dodging questions until the other person realizes that you want to end it.
After a year: You have been sharing table and bed for more than a year, maybe you even live together already. Think carefully about whether you really want to separate – or whether the person at your side might be the right one after all? Because once the idea is on the table, you’ve already destroyed something. Well thought out? Okay. The separation is a process: Often several conversations are necessary. Avoid making accusations. Talk about yourself and your feelings. Listen to the other person’s point of view – you can learn a lot from a breakup for your next relationship. If you have the impulse to help in some way after the breakup, feel free to ask. However, you should accept a “no”.
After 3 years: A long time, many things in common: Apartment, pet and friends. Don’t talk about it at home – you have too much in common there. Talk honestly about everything. Maybe you are just in a phase of doubt – typical for relationships? However, if the love has faded, the only way is to say goodbye forever.
After an eternity: you have married, have joint accounts, an apartment, possibly children. “The separation takes place on different levels,” explains Krieg (www.einzelundpaartherapie.de). Many conversations are necessary. You separate as lovers, but also as homeowners, economic community, parents. Ideally, the levels do not mix. The quarrels of your relationship have no place in the question of dividing your property. You do not manage to keep the boundaries? Maybe you should seek professional support in a separation counseling, with a therapist.
Breaking up step by step: How to prepare for a breakup
Short-circuit reactions only hurt both parties involved. This is how you prepare the end of the relationship step by step:
Step 1: “You should be absolutely sure that you can’t go on like this,” explains Mathias Voelchert. “Sort out your feelings: most of it is drama – but what’s real, you feel clearly and free of doubt.” If you’re not sure of your feelings, examine your relationship: if fewer than six of the following statements are true, you should think about making a clean break:
- Sex with her used to be classy and playful. I think it will be okay.
- Every now and then she still surprises me with a nice action. She’s great at that kind of thing.
- We spend a nice evening together at least once a week.
- If she criticizes me, it’s never really in front of other people.
- Our idea of future life is pretty similar, definitely compatible.
- I was really into her in the beginning.
- A few of her friends have since become mine – and vice versa.
- I don’t think about separation when we argue.
- She understands my humor.
- I am faithful to her. And I think she is, too.
Step 2: Go into the breakup conversation emotionally armed. And make up a painless goodbye – there is no such thing. You are delivering to the partner:in one of life’s most bitter slights. “It comes to a hurt, and unfortunately there are no tricks how to avoid it,” says psychotherapist Dr. Doris Wolf from Mannheim. “Only if the partner:in is at the same point as you, it goes easier. However, that is rarely the case.” Doris Wolf describes in her book “Wenn der Partner geht (ab 14,80 €)” (Pal-Verlag) phases of the death of love: first of all, the world of the still-and-yet-no-longer lover shatters. Get ready for heart-rending scenes.
Step 3: For the emotional storm, resolve to remain a rock. You can expect the other party to use all their emotional powers to change your mind.
- Yes, you want to go
- No, it is not just a phase of uncertainty
- Yes, it is final
- No, you don’t think a short time out is enough. If you weaken at this point, you’re just adding another painful chapter to the failed relationship
What is the appropriate place for the breakup?
That you shouldn’t end your relationship in front of an audience, you hopefully know yourself. There is no perfect place for an emotional catastrophe. At home you can talk undisturbed and your partner can let go a little. Your own apartment is no good at all, because you can’t retreat there (after the first flood of tears has ebbed away). In public, for example in a café, you might escape a mega scene, but that’s cowardly.
Another no-go zone is a place that you associated something beautiful with during the relationship, because you’ll destroy positive memories. And, “Definitely not in bed, possibly after you’ve slept together,” explains Doris Wolf, “that’s impossible.” This makes the partner:in feel exploited. Instead, the psychotherapist suggests a walk in the woods: “The two of you are alone, and the movement relieves some of the tension. Besides, you don’t sit rigidly facing each other and look into each other’s faces, but both look ahead.” And please don’t forget the tissues!
This is how you concretely accomplish the separation
Show that you are a person of words and deeds even in hard times. Say that it can’t go on with you two. That the good feeling is gone. Without hatred, without anger – calmly and firmly. “There is nothing more than that,” Doris Wolf explains, “don’t construct reasons.” Those who try to explain what can’t be explained easily get caught up in superficialities or start assigning blame.
Should I comfort?
No. You are the last person to do so. Consoling must be done by others. “Give your partner time and space to deal with the shock,” Voelchert recommends. Simply say how sorry you are. The only other thing you can do is reassure her that she/he is a lovely person, that it was good and beautiful.
Do I mention the new person?
Even if it hurts: tell about the new person – without gushing. It would only hurt more if you found out about it from behind.
What should you do if your partner goes crazy?
If the ex-partner:in starts blackmail attempts or speaks out suicide plans, she/he wants to provoke feelings of guilt to force you to join her/him. Staying for a while won’t do any good, because it won’t change your emotional state. However, you should definitely get a back-up: “Call your best friends, call your friends and tell them that she/he is not feeling well,” advises Doris Wolf.
What if she/he always calls after the breakup?
Then she/he has not yet let go. Hope drives her/him to you, but she/he will only continue to hurt herself/himself. Help the sufferer by not helping – not with the broken car and not with the unbuilt Ikea shelf. “Don’t use the services of your ex, either,” Doris Wolf recommends. You don’t want the ex to think “he still needs me.”
Should we stay friends?
Doris Wolf says, “Turning love into friendship sometimes works, not always, and certainly not right away.” Initially, she/he will start trying to win you back or prove how great she/he is every time you meet. According to therapist Wolf, after a long relationship, you have to wait about a year to become friends.
These are no-gos when breaking up
You should save these 5 phrases when breaking up. Because they’ll only make everything harder – and make you the platitude king.
“Oh, please don’t cry now.”
Can you control your tears? Well, you see. After all, when should a person cry if not in this situation? And most importantly, why should anyone make it easy for you, of all people, when you’re the one causing the pain? You have to go through it now.
“I don’t know why it’s over either.”
Then how can you be sure that the breakup is even right? Say clearly, “I don’t love you anymore.” That’s one reason.
“I just need more freedom.”
Let’s face it, this isn’t about your freedom, it’s about your happiness.
“I’m not ready for a committed relationship.”
Well, you could have thought about that earlier. More honest would be, “I don’t want the responsibility of a committed relationship.”
“I’m not good enough for you.”
Fishing for compliments? That’s silly in this situation. And lying.
Bottom line: the relationship is over, life goes on
Break up without hate, without anger. Speak calmly and firmly. And give your partner time and space to deal with the shock. Very important: If you are honest, you can also use a little comfort now, neither the decision nor the execution were easy. Something came to an end that was also a part of you, a chapter of your life. Very important: To get over the relationship breakup faster, get rid of relationship garbage – internally as well as externally (in the apartment). The relationship is over – but life goes on.